*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Not even remotely sorry.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My flabber has been gasted.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?