*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You Might Also Like
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.