Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
God has left this place
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed