Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.