Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.