Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You Might Also Like
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Chicken bread
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.