[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
You Might Also Like
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
adam and eve had first world problems
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.