Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Yes, this is exactly right

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that