[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
gender is a sprctrum
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
kevin is now a local weatherman
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”