Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?