Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.