Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
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🤣could you imagine
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.