Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

My blood type is b hungry.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.