Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.