[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Well, this certainly took a turn
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
fourth time’s the charm
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
It do be feeling this way.
