Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

FRED: right

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!