Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.