SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total