SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.