Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

😍😂🥰😂😍

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

is there nothing we can trust anymore

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

A man of commitment.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.