Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs