Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You Might Also Like
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
fr
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.