Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.