Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

ㅤ