snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You Might Also Like
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Thaw me like one of your french fries
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man