Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.