Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.