Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
