Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Saturday
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.