snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.