Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.