Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Guantanamo Bae

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.