*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

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*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?


Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!


Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?


13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*


My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.


“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.


Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above


I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.


I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.


My dog goes by 25 nicknames and only uses her official name when she’s being formal at the veterinarians office.