Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.