Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.