Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Y’all ready for this

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

No one:

London landlords:

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??