Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

If you’re testing me, we failed.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.