Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

peeping toms

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend