Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.