*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
jesus christ confetti not now
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
my first day as a raccoon
At least my masseuse has my back.