@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

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@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

@Anniewritess

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@Underchilde

One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.

@WheelTod

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time