*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Going into Monday like
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.