@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

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@bourgeoisalien

I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun

@osno13

anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have

@BBolander

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@WilliamAder

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

@iTARKAA

If only my mum knew how popular I am on Twitter, she’ll stop sending me up and down the streets to get soup ingredients for her. 😂😂😂

@HanaMichels

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.