*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.