snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
