snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
quarantine day 3
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not wrong
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.