Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

*orders delivery*

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Every BBC series about the universe.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.