snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You Might Also Like
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
he looks great for his age
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
This makes total sense…
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed