snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though