Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Not recommended for beginners.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.