Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

When ur friends with white people

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

4 pm:
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9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?