*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.