Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
c’mon!
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.