Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”