So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Just parrot things
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?