Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]