Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Good lord

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Another day, another…goddammit

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler