Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”