Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.