So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5