Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas