So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Every haunted house movie:
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how