Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

thanks auntie mary

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.