Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory