Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.