So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
accurate
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.