So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: