@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

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@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@C00LpenNAME

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

@shadonium

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

@kaydececchis

acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.