So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
#SaturdayBears
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh