So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Important reminders
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.