Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*