Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

Somebody call the cops.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

our love story in four pictures

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Saturday

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.