Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.