So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
