So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.