so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.