Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for