Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

That took me a moment.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise