So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
smh
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.