Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

meanwhile over on facebook

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Me, in DM rooms…