Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!