Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.